In our last post, we shared a beautifully-affirming Renaming Ceremony held for a young trans man in his church. Today, his mother and pastor (who is also his uncle) share their personal spiritual journeys and thoughts on showing love to the transgender community.
Tissue Warning: Content below may lead to leaking eyes
What is your faith background (have you always been part of the same denomination)?
Mom Beth — I grew up in a very small farming community in the Midwest and baptized in a Methodist Church. I stopped attending church when I left for college and once I had children, I found a beautiful, community-oriented and loving American Baptist church. I eventually became a member and still belong today.
Pastor Darin — I have always been American Baptist. The American Baptist denomination is an incredibly diverse denomination ethnically and theologically. So while I have been American Baptist all of my life, I was raised in an American Baptist church that was conservative evangelical and would appear to most observers to be much like the Southern Baptist tradition. Going to college, moving away from home and home church resulted all in a spiritual and theological transformation which has taken me quite far away from the conservative evangelical Christianity of my youth.
Before knowing your child/nephew was transgender, what had you been taught about LGBTQ people and God?
Beth — I don’t remember there ever being an open discussion about LGBTQ+ individuals within the Methodist Church, which was during the 70’s and 80’s, and the time I spent there. I do know that the Methodist church and my family valued helping, caring, and loving the vulnerable. When I started attending our current church, it was very clear that when they said “All are welcome,” it meant all and it was openly discussed during leadership and church committee meetings, as well as Darin beautifully incorporating this message into his sermons. Darin was instrumental in having our mission statement be all inclusive. We did lose some members due to including LGBTQ+ language.
Darin — As you can probably guess, growing up in a conservative evangelical church I was actively taught that LGBTQ people were an abomination. They were people in active conscious rebellion against the will of God.
Did you ever face a moment of conflict between your faith experiences and supporting your child/nephew?
Beth — For a brief moment, during the grieving process, I was angry at God. The anger came from knowing that Andrew will have to spend the rest of his life fighting for LGBTQ+ rights, being vigilant, and assessing for his safety everywhere he goes. This translated into looking at the larger picture of what LGBTQ+ individuals have faced over the years and what they continue to face today. If I allow myself to think deeply about it, I am no longer angry, but rather have a sadness of not being able to nurture Andrew, as Andrew, at birth. I want so much to be able to hold him in my arms again as an infant, call him Andrew and make him feel completely safe from the day he was born. I have a very strong connection with Andrew today and he is a happier, more confident man, and easily accepts and gives love since his transition. Why did he have to struggle? Why does fear have to be a part of his journey? Will his fear, my fear as a parent ever go away? This is where I struggle and feel the sometimes overwhelming sadness. I know God is with us on this journey and I am so thankful for his guidance and love…but the wonder remains.
Darin — The number of conflicts I faced were numerous, but not because of my nephew Andrew. The conflicts I experienced were in my ordination process. I was advised not to mention my theology of inclusion and full affirmation because that might very well mean that I would be denied ordination. I was also advised not to mention my theology of inclusion and affirmation in the first church I served as pastor for fear of losing that call. There has always been a certain amount of conflict within my local denomination and among my colleagues because of my ministry of inclusion and affirmation. And finally, when our church made its affirmation of LGBTQ+ public and codified it as church theology and polity there were members who did not agree and left the church.
Did you receive any pushback from people in your circles regarding your faith and Andrew’s identity or transition?
Beth — Andrew and our family have not had any pushback from our [extended] family, friends or community regarding our faith and supporting Andrew with his transition. We did have one person in our circle briefly decide they could not support him, due to their own faith and beliefs. However, it was brief and they are a support to him and our family today. They do still struggle with what they have been taught about what the Bible states, but openly says they love Andrew and that their struggle is their own struggle, which is separate from their love of us and Andrew. Not sure I understand, but I no longer question it.
Darin — By the time Andrew came out to our family and then our church, we had already been open about welcoming and celebrating our LGBTQ+ siblings and so there was no pushback in the church. Other local clergy largely ignored me already and I had formed collegial connections to like-minded pastors, so I did not experience any pushback.
Why was it important to you to stay with your church and have your son affirmed by the church leaders and congregation?
Beth — It was important for me to always have a strong foundation built on faith, where my children felt supported and safe. Church was positive for me and a part of my life growing up, so naturally, I wanted the same for them. I believe community and support is important, it keeps us grounded, and frankly, the saying “it takes a village” is exactly that. Andrew was an infant when I began attending our church. He was 13 when he identified as being gay and 15 when he began his journey to being his authentic self. The church was always open to Andrew’s friends coming to church, volunteering, and being a part of Pride celebration every year. It was a safe, affirming and loving church. Andrew was dedicated as an infant and I felt the need to have him dedicated again, with his new name. I wanted Andrew to know he was fully supported by his family, friends and faith community.
Darin — This really isn’t a question for me, but I would offer this humbly. I have been actively supporting a trans-male friend of my son’s. This friend is NOT affirmed by his parents who, after 5 years, continue to dead-name him and refuse to allow him treatment etc. They no longer attend church, but the church they used to attend was NOT LGBTQ+ affirming. I see a huge difference between Andrew and this young trans man I am trying to support in terms of confidence and mental health. Andrew has a supportive family and wider community including a church that loves and celebrates his identity and it shows in his happiness, his confidence and his growth as an advocate for himself and others in the transgender community. A faith community is certainly not the only place to find the social camaraderie that nurtures and protects mental and spiritual health. But I think a church community can have a positive impact on the health, well-being, and safety not only of the person who is transgender, but their family as well. And a faith community can offer not only friendship but a connection to spiritual resources that other forms of community may not speak to or offer. That being said, far too many churches refuse this mission of inclusion and affirmation and actively resist embracing and encouraging members of the transgender community. If a transgender person or their family are NOT actively celebrated and affirmed by their church they should leave and find a community (formally faith oriented or not) that will love, encourage and protect them.
Has having a transgender child/nephew affected your faith in any way, for better or for worse?
Beth — I have mixed emotions about this. It has strengthened my faith that my son, my family, and I have a faith community that is willing to care for us, help us, show up for us, lift us up when feeling scared or worried. I am so blessed and grateful for them. As I’ve mentioned before, the wonder and why is still there for me.
Darin — I would honestly confess that my ministry of affirming and celebrating my LGBTQ+ siblings has caused me to question my faith. Advocating for their full inclusion has meant I have come face to face so often with the lack of love, compassion and hospitality in white American Christianity. And that means I have had, and continue to have my doubts. Why would God inspire a faith that has grown so far away from the life and message of Jesus whom they proclaim to worship? And why would God continue to let that faith go so terribly wrong.
But I have also been blessed to meet so many LGBTQ+ Christians who live out a faith of courage and tenacity, devoted to love and justice. And Andrew lives his life in a way that chooses bravely to be transformed, to sing and speak out for others, to joyfully and boldly continue to become who God created him to be. So, he has taught me to hope in transformation. I continue to hope and pray that the church will be transformed. I continue to hope and pray that I will bravely accept and take pride in the transformation God calls me to, the way Andrew has. I hope and pray that I will continue to grow in love and compassion with the courage that Andrew lives every day.
What message do you have for communities of faith who do not and will not affirm a trans person and welcome them into their churches?
Beth — You are truly missing out on knowing and loving some of the most amazing, caring, genuine, and authentic individuals. I fully believe all individuals are and always will be loved by God.
Darin — Our transgender siblings are a gift from God. They are a blessed example of what it means to live, grow and be transformed by the Holy. To reject them is to dismiss the voice of God to your own detriment. To receive them with joy and celebration is to welcome a blessing from God and to follow Christ faithfully.
What message do you have for other families — or what message would you offer a trans person directly — who might be struggling to reconcile their faith with unsupportive church teachings?
Beth — The Bible tells us to love, care and be compassionate with one another and those that are vulnerable. Keep searching for a church that is inclusive, affirming and welcoming…they are out there!
Darin — First, I sincerely apologize that there are far too few faith communities that love and celebrate you. You are an amazing gift from God worthy of gratitude and celebration. As I said before, if your faith community doesn’t treat you that way, run, don’t walk, to a community that will take delight in loving you, learning from you, and boldly claiming you as their beloved. If that is a faith community, wonderful. But if you’ve been hurt by a faith community you may not want to risk that again. So, seek out another form of community that will nurture and feed your spirit. Whether they call themselves a church or not or a faith community or not, if they love you and affirm you, God is there. I totally get giving up on church. But Don’t give up on God. God loves you and is delighted by you and like you, is searching for a group of people who want to love and support one another. When you find them, you will find God.
If you are looking for a community to support you and your family through a child’s transition, consider joining Trans Families. Our members come from all faith backgrounds and walks of life. You don’t need to feel alone.
