Spouse Struggles – Anyone Else?

[Anonymous]

Some of this language might be triggering (mention of some anti-trans phrases and ideologies, as well as family conflict). I am grieving and a little shell shocked but ultimately trying to be supportive for my (adult) trans kiddo (I’ll call them ‘J’). I consider myself very liberal. My husband, on the other hand, is fairly conservative and not very supportive of the trans community in general, but is strongly against the idea that J is even trans let alone that we should be “encouraging” (aka supporting) their transition. 18 mos ago this came to a head and a huge, traumatic shouting match ensued and now my husband and J no longer speak (J’s boundary, not my husband’s, but we respect and accept it). My other kiddos and myself see J and hear from them often but I would call them estranged from my husband. Husband considers gender dysphoria to be a mental illness that must be treated and cured, and that by “indulging” in body/name/presentation changes we are essentially aiding and abetting something he considers to be akin to handing a heroin addict a needle. In the interest of keeping our family intact, he has agreed to (essentially) “play nice” – meaning he still doesn’t agree with or condone it, but will not say anything negative or confrontational about J’s transition while they are with us or in front of other people (including our family/friends/other kiddos) and if they change their name he will use their chosen name. He has made it clear though that J will always be “a man in a dress” and feels that my supporting their intention to use hormones and transition is well-intentioned but ultimately enabling harm. J won’t come home for the holidays and doesn’t know when that might change. I cry every Christmas and special event that they can’t join us, its been enormously heartbreaking for me. I grieve that J doesn’t have a supportive father figure. And ultimately I grieve that I don’t have a support system as I myself grieve what is going on with our family, and the changes occurring with my kiddo and what those changes mean for them and for me.

Has anyone else struggled with their spouse this way? If you’re struggling now I’d love to have someone to talk to about it. If you’ve struggled in the past, have things gotten easier? Worse? Do you have any suggestions or advice?

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