I thought I was a great LGBTQ+ ally
One mom tells her story of what Trans Families means to her
I thought I knew so much about being LGBTQ+.
Three years after my brother told my family that he was gay, he was excommunicated from the Mormon church. I was a young adult at the time. I knew things were for sure going down when my mom slapped a bumper sticker on her car that said, “Speak your mind even if your voice shakes,” a quote from Maggie Kuhn. A few days later my dad, who hated bumper stickers, put one on his car that said, “The Christian Right is Neither.” Soon after that, they formed a support group for Mormon parents of LGBTQ+ kids.
I, too, started speaking up to people and just like my mom, my voice would shake. I started donating money to organizations that supported LGBTQ+ rights. I wore Human Rights Campaign sweatshirts. I started listening to people’s stories. I started telling people’s stories. I left the Mormon church and started going to Pride.
My kids have been celebrating Pride since before they could walk. I was so involved, so educated. I even spoke at the Prop 8 Rally here in Seattle. If ever there was a “pro ally,” it was me.
So, you understand how I thought I knew so much.
And then I found out there was a lot I still didn’t know. It started with my then-13-year-old saying they thought they might be gay—I was on it. I knew just what to do. I knew.
But then a few days later they said they didn’t want to be a boy. I stayed cool, thinking, ‘I’ve got this’… I asked, “Do you want to be a girl?” They said, “No.” And my brain short-circuited. I was so confused. I didn’t answer the way I WISH I had. I said something like ‘what do you mean you don’t want to be a boy OR a girl? That doesn’t make any sense.’
I didn’t even know this was possible.
Not knowing what to do, I went online and found that my local children’s hospital had just opened a gender clinic. I called right away and got an appointment – the first available – seven months out.
I very quickly realized, though, that we could not wait 6 months to get help. I called to see if anybody had cancelled, if there was any possibility we could get in sooner. When they said ‘no,’ I burst into tears. The woman on the phone said she was going to transfer me to somebody that could help.
I wish I could remember the name of the person on the phone. He was so kind, so patient, so empathetic and he told me about a group called Gender Diversity [now known as Trans Families]. They had support groups; in fact one was coming up for my kid’s age group. He helped me find the website and fill out the inquiry form because he knew I needed to do an intake before I could go. He did not hang up until I had it all filled in and submitted.
The following Sunday, the whole family attended Trans Families [in person]. My nonbinary kid (I now knew the right words at least) went with the tween group, while I and my husband and 16-year-old cisgender, heterosexual daughter went with the parents. I cried (me, the one who ‘knew so much!’). I asked a million questions and got a hundred thousand answers because some of the questions could not be answered.
We kept coming, we kept learning. We learned about another doctor who could take us right away. After each meeting I left with more hope and understanding. Hearing from other parents several years down the road was very helpful and encouraging. Hearing from parents that had started after us was also helpful—to see how far we had come.
The collective knowledge in that space always filled me with hope and comfort.
These may seem like very small things, but each thing adds up, and knowing that we are not alone on this journey has saved me, which in turn has saved my kid. It used to feel like I was hanging on second-by-second, trying to survive. With the help of Trans Families, slowly it started becoming minute-by-minute, then hour-by-hour, day-by-day and now we are cruising along at a pretty steady pace. When we hit a roadblock, it used to feel like a life-or-death situation. Now I know that somebody out there has already jumped that hurdle and can gently give us some advice.
by Wendy, 2019
